How to Help a Child Adjust to a New Baby
I'd just landed at LAX and was waiting at the baggage claim carousel when I heard an angry exchange. I turned toward the adjacent carousel and saw a iii or four-year-former girl decked out in a colorful traveling ensemble – brightly patterned leggings, a trendy t-shirt and pinkish plastic movie star sunglasses. She seemed to be fumbling for something in her polka dot backpack while her father glared at her and seethed, "Just exist nice. Be nice to your sister!"
Several feet away stood her mother, who also glared as she held baby sis (near 12 months onetime) in her arms. The daughter kept her composure but avoided her parents' gaze. She seemed alone and vulnerable — a "trouble kid" estranged from her family unit.
If this mini-snapshot was typical of her family dynamic, it was hard to fathom this little girl not feeling resentment towards her baby sis.
The arrival of a new baby is oftentimes the most dramatic change in a young child's life, and if this transition isn't handled with sensitivity and empathy, some children will have difficulty regaining their footing. At stake are our child'due south healthy relationships with parents and siblings, as well as her sense of security and self-worth.
Here are some key points to keep in mind during this challenging adjustment:
i. Have reasonable expectations
A new infant causes a major shift in the family unit dynamics. No matter how much the older child may accept wished for a baby brother or sister, the reality of this shift in the parents' attention and amore is felt as a loss. Children often feel grief, sadness and sometimes anger or guilt, only generally they are fearful of losing their parents' beloved. Overwhelmed by this tumultuous blend of emotions, which are nearly incommunicable for children to empathise (much less clear), they human action out their pain through irritating behaviors that are sometimes aggressive. Mood swings can be farthermost.
Parents might be shocked to discover an unpleasant side to their child they hadn't known existed, particularly if they expected her to be a loving, adoring and helpful big sis during this adjustment. These behaviors are bound to push parents' buttons, nonetheless since the child is experiencing an emotional crunch she needs the balls of her parents' beloved and empathy more than ever.
2. Encourage children to limited feelings
There are a couple of important ways parents tin can help children limited their feelings in a healthy manner:
a. When children act-out with the baby — kissing or patting the baby likewise hard or jumping on the bed side by side to her — after calmly but confidently stating the boundary ("I can't let you…"), the parent can ask affair-of-factly, "Are you lot feeling rough toward the babe correct at present? Are you upset that the baby'due south here? Big sisters oftentimes experience that way. But I'grand going to help y'all get downward from the bed. I'd love for you to sit down on my lap or spring on the floor next to me."
b. Casually bring upward the subject of negative feelings as frequently every bit possible: "Beingness a big sister is very hard sometimes. It'due south normal to get angry at the babe or at mom or dad, experience sad, worry or but exist upset and not know why. If you feel any of those things I want to know. I will always understand, love you and want to help you."
Information technology may experience counterintuitive to suggest these feelings to your child (won't this encourage her to feel negatively toward the infant?). The truth is that the more than you can openly take and admit, even welcome your child'southward negative thoughts and emotions, the more space y'all will clear for your children to form a genuinely loving bail with their siblings.
3. Simply why mention negatives when my child seems fine?
Some children do seem to suit to life with the new baby peacefully. Why would we project almost issues that don't exist? It is my view that the children who seem more accepting and tolerant of this huge life alter demand even more encouragement to limited negative feelings than those who overtly struggle. No matter how positive whatever modify is there are too elements of fearfulness and loss. For all of us. If these feelings aren't addressed and expressed, they are internalized. You may have a well-behaved child, but chances are expert she's suffering inside.
iv. Avoid guilt-inducing comments
When parents are expecting baby number two, friends and relatives will often comment to the firstborn kid, "Oooh, bet you tin can't wait to be a large sister!" But by then it'south already begun to dawn on the older kid that 'large sis' isn't all it's croaky upward to exist. They've sensed that the focus of everyone'due south attention has shifted away from them. Their future feels uncertain and it volition simply go worse. They demand someone who understands their pain and can assure them that their mixed feelings (specially the negative ones) are perfectly valid, or they are likely to turn these feelings in.
v. Don't judge
Once again, this is well-nigh adjusting our expectations and understanding that button-pushing behaviors are the manifestation of our kid's hurting and confusion. When we label a behavior "non dainty", "mean" or "bad", children take these judgments personally. It'south not just the behavior that's bad — they are bad. When the people they trust and need nearly in the world tell them they are "non nice", they believe it, and this rejection is profound.
vi. Lessen tension by non sweating the small-scale stuff
Second children are born into a much different surround than their big brothers or sisters. Having an older sibling is exciting. So as much as possible, permit it exist. Permit it be noisier and more chaotic, and let in that location be more interruptions to the baby's playtime. Let big sister take toys away from the babe when they're "playing together" as long as this is physically safe. Sympathize that this impulse is powerful and symbolic of the rivalry the older kid feels. Nigh babies don't heed the toys being removed from them unless their parents practise. In fact, this is the way they "play" with another child. The less you focus on these harmless behaviors, the less compelling information technology will exist for the older child to repeat them.
seven. Sympathise your kid'southward need for trust and autonomy
Enquire for her help whenever possible, especially regarding the babe's care. When children's emotions are out of control, opportunities to feel autonomous have a calming outcome. Simply also don't exist disappointed if your child turns you down, because proverb "no" is too a way for her to feel autonomous.
8. Ane-on-ane time
Periods of time lonely with your children are a necessity, but for both the baby and the older child information technology's well-nigh quality, not quantity. Gear up aside at least 20 minutes a day in which yous are wholly present and focused on your older child (which might hateful aiming toward giving the infant an before bedtime). And then, when you demand to focus on the baby and your child struggles, you tin calmly admit, "I see how uncomfortable it is for you when I am feeding the babe. That is really hard for you, I know. I'm so looking frontward to our time together tonight after the infant goes to bed. Think about what you'd like to do together."
9. Foster the baby'due south independent play
A baby who tin can cocky-entertain is even more of a blessing the second time around, because his or her contained play creates opportunities for parents to be available to the older child without the baby always between them. Provide a safe, enclosed play space (a crib or playpen is fine for the start months), so that the infant doesn't demand constant supervision. Your toddler will probably need this boundary, because the impulse to test the parents by bothering the infant can be strong.
10. Respect your children's continued demand for boundaries and at-home, helpful parents who are "on their side".
Although extreme exhaustion or guilt might lead us to ease upward on boundaries during this period of transition and emotional turmoil, our children need the love and security of our limits now more than than ever. They'll need united states to give them matter-of-fact reminders like, "I don't want yous to touch on the baby when you are in a jumpy mood"; choices like, "You tin can stay side by side to me quietly while I put the babe to bed, or play in the adjacent room." Sometimes they'll need us to follow through by gently but firmly physically containing them or removing them from situations. Near crucially, they'll demand us to intervene mode before we lose our atmosphere or think they're "not nice" and with all the confidence, calmness, patience and empathy we tin can muster.
For more inspiration, delight cheque out my complete guide to respectful subject area:
NO BAD KIDS: Toddler Field of study Without Shame
For more about new babies and sibling rivalry in general, I appreciate these perspectives:
Siblings Without Rivalry past Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (one of my all-time favorite parenting books)
Inquire the Parent Passenger vehicle: 7 Ways to Assist Your Kid Accommodate to a New Baby by Susan Stiffelman
A Call for Sunshine and Enlightened past Nadine Hilmar
Sibling Conflicts by Lisa Sunbury
Dealing With Sibling Aggression past Amanda Morgan
Source: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/04/helping-kids-adjust-to-life-with-the-new-baby/
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